Molly’s article was originally published in Evie Magazine (www.eviemagazine.com) on Jan 19, 2021, (category – relationships).
My heartfelt gratitude to Molly Farinholt for allowing me to publish her article on my blog. Molly is a former NCAA Division 1 athlete, wife, mother, and writer. She is constantly on the search for truth, beauty, and goodness — be it through literature, hiking with her husband, or even just baking bread. She is the proud mother of 5-month-old Lucy.
You may follow her on Instagram: instagram.com/molly.kate.farinholt
Marriage is, by nature, unifying. The phrase “two become one” is true in many regards; man and wife come together to create a family — a unit that didn’t exist before they said their vows. However, your spouse shouldn’t be seen as the “completion” of yourself.
Falling into the belief that another person completes you can make you both lose your identity as a unique being and idolize the other. Neither will lead to a happy, healthy individual or relationship.
A Husband Will Not Fix All Your Problems
In searching for fulfillment in another person, you reduce yourself to a half. A woman maintains that, without her significant other, she can’t become who she was created to be. Both her faults and her faculties, her vices and her virtues depend on another. Growing in goodness can’t occur in this state. In order for you to truly better yourself — as we should daily strive to do — you need to view yourself as an individual and as the one responsible for yourself. Especially when married or in a committed relationship, you need to preserve a sense of yourself as an individual so as to enable the marriage or relationship to flourish.
“You need to view yourself as an individual and as the one responsible for yourself.”
Maintaining this sense of self doesn’t mean excluding your loved one from your life, pursuing your own passions and desires, and neglecting the commitment that you have made to another. Rather, the knowledge that you’re an independent soul enables you to become a better girlfriend, fiancée, or wife. You understand your responsibility to become the best version of yourself so that you can better love another.
Your Man Is an Imperfect Human Too
Idolizing the other is another pitfall of viewing your partner as the one who “completes you.” If you see your man as the very answer to all of your problems, empty spaces in your life, or erring ways, then you will likely place him upon a pedestal which, let’s be honest, no one deserves. At the end of the day, it’s simply not possible to be completely fulfilled by another human being because we’re all broken in different ways. Your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband can and certainly should help you to grow, discover the truth and beauty in life, and overcome hardships, but he alone is not the answer. Instead of seeing him as such, look to him as a faithful companion on the journey to the real answer.
Your significant other should be just that: the one who walks hand-in-hand with you throughout life. Together, you learn. Together, you grow. Together, you seek the joys of life, overcome the sorrows, and move always towards truth.
“It’s simply not possible to be completely fulfilled by another human being.”
Love is not always a walk in the park. It involves heroic sacrifice, commitment, and degrees of selflessness that you never thought possible. There will be times when even the most wonderful, humble, and loving man will not seem to “complete you.” Disagreements will arise, and arguments will ensue. If you tend to view your S.O. as the completion of you, these times will throw you for a loop and make you feel lost, lonely, and confused. If you, however, regard your significant other as another individual who, despite faults and failings, complements you, loves you, and is committed to you, then you’ll be able to weather any such storms.
You Still Need Girl Friends
Idolizing your man can also cause you to push your girl friends away — purposefully or inadvertently. This is detrimental not only to you, but also to your husband. Girl friends can provide certain things that your husband can’t, and to seek that in him places an unfair burden upon his shoulders. Your husband can’t offer a female’s perspective, advice, and solidarity. He can’t always appreciate and enjoy the conversations, activities, and outings that your girl friends do. Simply put, he can’t play the role of husband and gal pal because he isn’t biologically and psychologically wired to do so.
“Your husband can’t offer a female’s perspective, advice, and solidarity.”
Your man also needs time with his guy friends for many of the same reasons. He can’t be the best husband to you if he doesn’t have the support of brotherhood. Men can bolster and better each other in very important ways — they understand the passions, struggles, and perspectives unique to manhood. A healthy relationship always allows for time with the gals and time with the guys.
Instead of looking at your partner as the fulfillment of your very self, look at him as the one who will help you in the search for true fulfillment in life. He’s not a god or savior. He doesn’t have all of the answers, and you shouldn’t expect him to. However, he should bring out the best in you, encourage you to become who you were created to be, and love you unfailingly. And you should do the same for him. Such complementation will lead to enduring love.